I think it's fair to say I've been off grid for a few weeks; I haven't written a blog since the end of March and my social media posts haven't been consistent. I'd love to be able to say that this is because life has been bursting with excitement and that I have loads of positive news to share. But hopefully you know me well enough by now to understand that I'm always honest and I don't sugar coat anything. Truth is, life is pretty shit at the moment.
Half terms / school holidays have been tricky for me to navigate since the start of my teaching career. Routine has been my crutch for so many years; when you struggle to motivate yourself, knowing you have responsibilities to fulfil gives you a sense of purpose. So during the weeks not at school, I'd often find myself pressing the snooze button a few too many times, before eventually giving in and waking up in a haze at some point in the afternoon, the day wasted. I'd be grumpy and foggy from too much sleep; I'd look with overwhelm at all the jobs in the house that I hadn't done; I'd punish myself and eat a load of crap and binge-watch some trash TV until 2am... only to repeat the cycle the following day. The day before returning to school, my stomach would be in knots as I scrambled to drag myself up and do all the cleaning, washing, planning that I hadn't done, all the while beating myself up about being such a shitty, lazy person.
So the last two weeks have been the Easter break, two weeks off school and the opportunity to DO some stuff. I had a couple of days tutoring but only for a few hours, a lovely blood test booked in to hopefully shed some light on my low energy levels, lots of business training to catch up on (that I was genuinely looking forward to) and - most importantly - we had our first wedding anniversary celebrations to look forward to. Sounds good, right?
Right.
To say the anniversary wasn't what I'd hoped for is the biggest understatement. Turns out that life isn't all fairytales and roses (who knew?) and let's just say that if the first day of our second year of marriage foreshadows what's ahead, it's gonna be a rocky ride. I didn't catch up on any of my training or do any of the tasks I'd felt so excited about doing because I felt so shitty and unworthy. After being given my blood test results - BY TEXT MESSAGE! - to tell me I have pre-diabetes, I spent hours researching this condition that's nothing to worry about but you really should worry about it and easily reversible because all you have to do is lose weight (simple!) and monitor everything you put in your mouth from here on in and not serious at all besides the increased risk of a heart attack and stroke... I've still not been able to get through to my GP to talk to an actual person ("You are caller number thirty-seven thousand and sixty two in the queue, please hold"). Add into the mix my counsellor having a few weeks' annual leave (how could she?!) and finding out I'll be losing some of my work hours after Easter, is it any wonder I find myself reaching for a family-sized Dairy Milk and a pack of 20 Sterling? Both which I know I'm not allowed due to my newly diagnosed condition...
I know what I need to do. I know who I'm trying to become. I just can't seem to get there. They say that when one door closes, another one opens, but at the moment I feel like all the doors are triple bolted. And on fire.
So. Here's the plan:
Breathe. Seriously, I've found myself holding my breath a lot lately; I'm not sure if it's a panic thing but I'm having to remind myself to let go and inhale at times;
Talk. Talk to people around me. Be honest and let it out. Sometimes I talk to the dog - she's a great listener! My self-talk needs to be a lot kinder too.
Plan. I've printed a time blocking journal to hopefully help me to achieve the things I want every day. I'll let you know how that goes.
Show up. I can't change my life if I'm asleep in bed. If I can just push myself out of my own head and be present, even if it's a confused hot mess, then that's a start, surely.
All we can ever do is try.
Danielle x
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